Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
