Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.