the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it