Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions