Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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