he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!