Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.