So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit