i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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