Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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