There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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