i wish starbucks made bloody marys
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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