Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
