you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
