The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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