he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you