We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table