I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
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It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.