so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag