just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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