Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
