I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure