My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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