I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
