i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.