She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.