dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Too much gin, very little bucket
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"