New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.