Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts