How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
