Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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