How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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