i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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