I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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