Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
