Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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