I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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