left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.