he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.