I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe