We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
