I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
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He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We are all done wearing pants today
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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