if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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