low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
