tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
where am i from again
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots