Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.