yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
