One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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