I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
