um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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