god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.