everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home