My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.