He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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