your room smells of hookers.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today