i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.