My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
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i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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