Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
