the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
