Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
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Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.