The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dating After Heartbreak
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.