I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
