I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
