so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
