brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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